February 23rd, 2009: "I Warned You"

[Citi]

If you were offended by Friday's comic, today's was going to give you fits. Sorry.

I'm even sorrier to report that I'm probably not done offending you; or others for that matter. In fact from you should be forewarned that this strip will continue to get more and more controversial; especially after the upcoming chapter break. I promise to try and offend everyone equally though. I shall play no favorites.

This strip is actually based on a true story. Honest; it happened to me.

I have two degrees in pre-law with a focus on law enforcement management. When I was in school (at Norwalk Community College [A.S.] and Western CT State [B.S.]) I had some really great professors with some really high level connections. Because of this I got to go to some very interesting places and meet many interesting people. I'll spare you all the name dropping, as it will suffice to say that one of the places I was allowed to tour was the FBI Academy at Quantico Marine Corp Base. While I was there, I bought an actual FBI hat. Not one of those knockoffs they wear in the movies or sell in front of the White House (I bought one of those too) but a real honest to goodness FBI cap.

About seven or so years ago my little sister Amy decided to get married in Reno, Nevada and she wanted me to give her away. I've never been crazy about traveling, especially by air, but it was so important to her so I decided to do it.

This was shortly after 9/11 and things were still pretty skittish at the airports. So in I go wearing my FBI hat. I'm not sure if they thought I was inspecting security, or if they thought I was wearing it to try and get special treatment. The truth is I was wearing it because my hair was a mess and all my other hats were dusty. Either way the special treatment I received was a perceived (at least on my part) over reaction by security. Everywhere I went, every stop, every connecting flight, I was pulled out of line and given a detailed inspection.

At one point, this incredibly attractive security woman was hand wanding me and my belt buckle kept setting off the wand. I don't know if she just reacted without thinking or if this is standard procedure but she simply jammed her hand behind my belt buckle, inside my pants and started to feel around if you know what I mean.

Well she must have seen the surprised look on my face because after a moment she stopped, hand still in my pants and said "Sir, do I have permission to touch you here?"

I was so surprised by the whole encounter I think I mumbled a "yeah" and then she did her thing and I got on the plane.

About two hours into the flight I was still meditating on the insanity of that security check when it hit me; I should have asked her how much for ten minutes? I was furious with myself for not thinking of that great line while she had her hand in my pants. And so, this comic avenges me in that small measure.

In reality, had I or Artur (were he to be a real person in real life) actually said it I suspect Bruno from baggage handling would have been called in on an emergency cavity search and my sister would have been given away by my mother while I spent time considering the cost of my sense of humor in lockup.

Still, there are a lot of things I regret in this life, given the chance I think I would have said it and damn the consequences.

This does bring up an interesting question about women in general though. I've always been a train wreck with women; sad but true. But I've watched more aggressive men go after women in their place of work and it has always bothered me. The question is this simply, is there ever a circumstance in which a woman wants to be hit on at her job? It seems to me that they are being paid to be nice to you, to provide a service; be it a waitress at a restaurant or a security guard giving you a pat down. So not only are they required to provide you with the services you are paying for, but they can't really tell you to screw off either. They can't really even leave.

The real beatch of it is I've seen guys make it work. I've seen them pull numbers, get dates, get laid and so on (I've seen it go the other way too, where guys have to get "escorted" off the premises because their advances become so aggressive as to border on hostile). So it really is a pretty confusing thing. But then just about everything about women confuses me so I guess that's only natural. My instinct tells me that most women do not want to be hit on at work; unless they find the man hitting on them attractive. But there is almost no way to tell for sure if a woman, in a brief encounter finds a man attractive; and she sure as shoot isn't going to tell you, so if you can't read minds your basically fudgeed; and not the good way.

Anyhoo, as I mentioned awhile back I was interviewed by the excellent comic's site Comic Related for their podcast and the interview is finally up. Chuck Moore is the really nice guy interviewing me and he sounds like The Wizard of Oz before Toto pulled back the curtain; a bit too much echo. Which is ironic because he kept fiddling with my mic throughout the interview and urging me to move closer. I know a bit about sound recording though and I was watching the meter's on his board and I knew I was fine. It's a shame he didn't know he had his "Wrath of God" effect turned on.

My interview begins right around the 49 minute mark; right after a very awkward interview with the amazingly nice Ryan Sohmer of "Blind Ferret." I feel bad for Ryan, I don't really feel worthy of being interviewed on the same podcast as him and I definitely feel a little guilty that I got a great interviewer in Chuck and he got a guy who didn't know how to pronounce his name (or know the names of both of his comics). They should have let me interview Ryan, then I could have said "uhm" a few more times.

Seriously though, if you are new to Remedy and want an idea of what my philosophy is as a writer in relation to the strip it's a great primer. It's NYCC Related Recap Episode 10 Podcast #75 and you can find it here.

I'd like to thank Comic Related and especially Chuck Moore for treating this nobody like he was somebody. If you like comics you won't find a better or more complete podcast out there. These guys map the Earth.

I'd like to thank Jeph Jacques once again for running our guest comic. It was a humbling experience to create something that so many people would read and enjoy. Jeph is very generous with his toys and his community is amazing. Thanks to all.

If you like Wil Wheaton, and honestly who doesn't; come on back Wednesday where we exploit all his hard work and fame in a transparent bid to gain more readers. Did I say that out loud? shoot!

Oh and more Airline jokes because honestly I've never been afraid of taking the cheap shots.

We'll, see you Wednesday.